It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
