Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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