Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
