I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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