I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
