Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
