i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
