I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
