We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
