On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize