Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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