I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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