oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
