At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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