So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
