barbara walters just said penis...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
