I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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