he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
