today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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