I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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