Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
