oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
