Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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