Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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