Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
