my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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