i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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