WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
