i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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