It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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