I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
