I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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