SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
