So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
