why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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