i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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