My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
