So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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