Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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