Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
