Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize