considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
