I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
