so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
