4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
