The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
