I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
