I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
