god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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