we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
