I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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