Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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