Since when is my name a synonym for head?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
