She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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