So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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