Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
