If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
